How old is your child?

Warmly,
Vicki

I would love to hear from you again sometime to update us on how you are doing and to share your observations with us and with other parents.

Also, don’t hesitate to send through any questions you have along the way.

Best wishes and I will be thinking about you and your daughter.

Warmest Wishes,
Vicki Jardine

Best wishes
Suki

It is not easy to be a parent. And it is particularly difficult to be honest with ourselves about our parenting. That’s why I commend you for being evaluative about the kind of parent you think you are at the moment. Just the fact that you are thinking about it means you are doing your best to be an effective parent.

It also means that you are conscious of the need to be responsive, rather than reactive. Being responsive puts you in the driver’s seat with your child. Being reactive, puts the child in the driver’s seat. So many parents don’t actually think of it that way and so we have many children that are ‘driving’ families.

It makes you stop and think about the destination doesn’t it!

In your message, you state that you lose patience very quickly and end up getting angry or lecturing her. And you also indicate that you feel this is not helping her through her pre-adolescence. This is the part I would like to make some suggestions about now.

First of all, please know that while I am urging you to be ‘responsive’ rather than ‘reactive’…. it is because your daughter is going to definitely be ‘reactive’ not ‘responsive’. The responsibility falls on the parent to be the adult, mature person who has some vision, enough of the whole picture to be fully motivated to take the long view at every point along the way.

We cannot leave it to our children to meet us half way. How can they? They lack the maturity and the vision and the perspective. Because they lack those things, they then also don’t have the motivation to meet you half way.

You see, with human behavior it usually comes down to ‘the pay off’. This is just another way to say ‘motivation’.

As parents, we have ourselves been children, gone through adolescence, survived it (many at a time when parenting was not a science, and children were not considered like they are now), and as a result, we have some perspective. We can all see how things in our lives might have been different, had our parents been different towards us (or simply just different in general). We have all most likely said something out loud about how we wish one or both of our parents had done something or realized what we were going through during our adolescent years. Many adults resent their parents for one reason or another. Many adults determine to do differently by their children (and much to their chagrin, they often repeat the pattern).

What is so great about this ‘hindsight’ is that it gives us some ‘vision’ regarding the directions we are setting for our own children. This vision is key to us being able to ‘parent’ responsively.

I am suggesting that you spend some time reflecting on your own adolescence. Isn’t it amazing how ‘not so long ago’ it was? Well, turn that around and realize, it is not all that long, before your little girl will be an adult. Just as it is not that long ago that you were her age. It truly does work both ways.

So you have a window of opportunity now, to make a difference. It comes down to you being able to motivate yourself.

So far, I have mentioned:
- reflect on your adolescence
- develop a vision for your child
- use that vision to motivate yourself to be responsive rather than reactive.

The reason that it needs to be such a purposeful process is that it is such a ‘daily’ role, that of parenting. If you only had to motivate yourself for parenting like you would for an event, then this kind of purposefulness might not be necessary. But parenting is so daily. And not just daily….but ALL DAILY (and all NIGHTLY).

Our own needs, wants, tiredness, the kind of day we personally are having, whether we are well or not and whether we are stressed or not….these are the kinds of things that require purposeful motivation in order to keep the vision of what we are trying to achieve.

Our jobs can impose on our lives to the point that we find ourselves struggling to meet the physical and practical needs of our children, let alone the emotional needs. It is so easy to become so busy or consumed with other things, that we lose sight of the vision we have about the way we want to parent.

So let’s just agree that it is indeed a process that requires due diligence and depends on us being able to remain motivated in order to make responsive choices about the way we parent. It is not difficult to do. It is difficult to REMEMBER TO DO. There is a big difference.

Actually life is much easier when we do keep this sharp focus on ‘parenting’ because children whose parents can be responsive are much happier and easier to get along with. The running of the home and all that entails goes so much more smoothly. Frustration levels become reduced and situations diffused. Responsive parents don’t feel things are spiraling out of control. So they feel rewarded by the experience.

So here’s some ‘next steps’ for after you have clarified your vision and gained the motivation you will need to draw on constantly until these things become habitual:

- View your child as an individual who is doing their best.

- Remember your child deeply wants you to approve of them.

- Look for and find things to praise constantly and be genuine about it.

- When you feel yourself becoming annoyed,

then capture your vision and regain your motivation to respond rather than react.

- In order to encourage your child to talk to you,

learn how to ask open questions. Open questions require explanation to answer, rather than simply yes, or no.

- If your child is resistant, then get creative.

Ask their advice. Make them the expert.

- When your child shuts down a conversation

surprise them by acknowledging your respect for their choice to not discuss it. The benefits of this are many. They will see that you are not this needy parent-person who is hanging out for them to speak. It diffuses the tension. It makes them feel that you are interested, but not prying.

- Be prepared to admit that you felt like you imagine they feel,

(since they won’t communicate their feelings, you can only guess what they may be….never make the mistake of assuming you know how they feel), when you were their age. Tell them directly that you think it is ‘reasonable’ that they don’t want to talk about everything…. but that you are there if they do want to. Let them know, you were not asking so that you could feel better. You were asking so that they could feel better.

- If your child is rude to you,

do not accept this. Manners and respect must always be in place. Be big enough to see that they are frustrated, but make sure they know that it is no excuse to be rude. Make sure you acknowledge their frustration even if you don’t know what it is all about (and even if you do). Acknowledge it, validate their right to feel the way they do….but they do not have the right to abuse you, or be rude to you or anyone else.

- Let them know that you have the big picture.

Children want you to drive, even though they keep trying to take the wheel. They want to know someone is in control of the vehicle. They seem like they want what they want…but more than that, they want a parent that will make sure they arrive safely, have their needs and some of their wants met, and who will control themselves in most situations.

- Remember that hormones cause chemical reactions

in the body and mind. Remember more than half of what they are feeling at any given moment is completely inexplicable to them. Asking them to explain only serves to frustrate them.

Now on the positive side, here are some ideas of actions you can take to create opportunities that may close the gap between you and your child, while at the same time opening up communication opportunities:

- Make some ‘traditions’ between you

For example: Chinese take-out and a movie regularly, cinema and a cafe regularly, take some classes together, mani/pedicure afternoons, park walking, surfing, bowling, martial arts…. It doesn’t matter what it is. But make it frequent and/or regular. The idea is that you are creating something that you both enjoy together. Something that eliminates the ‘parent-child’ dynamic for a short time. This will allow you to show your child that you are both just people, that you struggle to learn things, or that you enjoy their company as a person. You get to like them for being ‘them’ rather than just because you have to ‘cos they are your child. It builds the relationship and provides opportunities to laugh together, to feel attached but not dependent.

- Look your child in the eye more.

Establish eye contact from across the room, regularly. Do this when you are out, at a ballgame or the school, or at a friend’s house. Keep looking at them and when they look at you, smile at them or nod approval. By the way, sometimes you will see something that you disapprove of….but truly it will not hurt for you to overlook it. Just turn your head away so they do not see the disapproval (believe me, they will look to you eventually to see if they have disappointed you and you do not want them to feel like that just because they have). You want to purposefully use ‘disapproval’ as a response, rather than as a reaction and so need to be able to switch it on and off. Approval is a much better tool for reinforcing positive behaviors. But the eye contact is essential to making your child feel important, noticed and valued. It is very purposeful.

- Boast about your child to others when they can hear you doing so.

- Praise your child all the time.

You cannot praise them too much. (This also helps you focus on what they do that is great, rather than what they do that is not great).

- Give some down time to your child.

But not too much. Enough to say that you respect their need to have physical space and emotional space to just be themselves.

- Listen to them when they do speak.

By that I mean, stop what you are doing and look at them. Put everything else out of your mind. And most importantly, don’t interject. Let them finish. Don’t react to the ‘parts’ of what they are saying. Get the whole picture. Let them feel that you are not listening to find fault. Let them feel you are listening to understand. If you do speak, then keep it to things like open questions that show your heart is to support them (even if you really want to scream!). Say things like: Wow or How did that make you feel? What did you do then? Why do you think they said that? How did it turn out in the end? This shows you are listening and not judging. It is respectful. If you hear some things that alarm you, do not react right then. Just make mental note. Keep the big picture and let them talk. It’s like you can be on the same side as they are (their side) but if you react, you immediately move to the other side (against them).

- Later, when you have given things some thought and you have found it important to do so, address the things you found disturbing or concerning.

But make sure they understand the reason you are bringing it up….you don’t want them to suffer, you want to be a loving parent and even though you know they have probably already realized it, this particular thing alarmed you a little as a parent (or a lot). It’s all about you staying on the same side of the issue with them. Don’t let them provoke you into reacting. Keep the vision.

- Laugh with your child

Cry with your child (if appropriate. Don’t be a basket case but let them see it affects you when they are crying). Rejoice with your child. – Celebrate the good moments of their lives and yours. Have them celebrate with you over your successes.

Well, these are just some ideas for you. I do wish you the very best and hope to hear from you regarding your daughter. Please give feedback any time because we all take strength from one another as parents. What we really want is to create a parenting community. It is so easy to feel isolated as a parent.

Remember the saying: ‘It takes a whole village to raise a child!’. Thank God for the internet!

Warmest Wishes,
Vicki Jardine

Would a ‘fairly terrible, reactive parent’ write for ideas on how to be a more effective parent?

There is not a single parent who is doing everything right. ‘Cos, there is no real ‘right’. There is effective and ineffective.

The problem is the goal posts keep getting moved (and the playing field is not level to start with) as each child grows. Being effective is more about being appropriately responsive, rather than just knowing what to do.

In order to be appropriately responsive it helps to have a set of core values regarding your child. For instance, if you believe every child is born with innate gifts and talents and you as the parent are the custodian and steward of the child, whose job it is to provide support and encouragement so they can develop their potential, then this belief will guide and influence your responses in thousands of situations.

I suggest you make a list for yourself of your ‘basic core values’ concerning your child. Begin each value with:
‘I believe my child …….’ (has the right to their own feelings… has her own valid opinions…..needs my help to understand her world etc.)

Then, read that list every day. Meditate on it, focus on it. Remind yourself of those values over and over again so they begin to insinuate themselves into your daily interactions. You will find yourself about to REACT when one of your values will come to mind and you will hear yourself RESPOND. It is the most amazing thing.

I do want to make some other suggestions. However this all that time permits today. I will revisit your ‘comment’ and give you some more ideas to build on that foundation of core values.

Till then, enjoy making your list and focusing on it. I know you will see enormous benefits even from such a small action.

Warmest Wishes,
Vicki Jardine

First of all, I want to thank you for expressing your concerns about your relationship with your daughter. Many people underestimate the importance of ‘fathers’ to children….and also the importance of ‘children’ to fathers.

Several things come to mind that may help you to weather what is really ‘an emotional storm’ for your daughter:
1. Develop the perspective that ‘love will win out in the end’. By this I mean keep it in the front of your mind whenever you think about your daughter and whenever you interact with her. Two things are ‘givens’. She loves you (and therefore, you are important to her too). And you love her.

2. Remember you are the adult. You saw the breakup of the marriage coming. You had some control over what occurred and when. You (and your ex-wife) came to the conclusion you did in many ways ‘together’. You understand all the why’s and why nots. You can see how some things will be immensely better because of the divorce. You understand that it’s possible to function as a ‘family’ in another way than before. You know you love your daughter and that she loves you.

These are all things that your daughter doesn’t know. Some things, she senses. But she lacks the maturity to understand what she senses because she is so young. She was just secure in the knowledge that she had two parents, that Christmas and Birthdays went a certain way every year, that the sun comes up and goes down and Mom and Dad love me.

Then with no real warning it has ended, as she knows it. She had no say in the decision. She doesn’t want it to happen. She is now not sure if you do love her like she thought.

Perhaps your ex-wife does say things, but believe me when I say, that it is the LAST THING YOUR DAUGHTER WANTS TO HEAR. Every time your ex says something, your daughter will be defending you (either verbally, or in her thoughts). Saying negative things about you to your daughter will only serve to undermine your ex-wife’s relationship with her…it does not affect yours negatively in the end. There are very few situations (and they are extreme and twisted) in which the ex-partner can actually affect the ‘feelings’ a child has for the other parent. Of course, this is all the more true if you are present in your daughter’s life, having regular contact with her and spending time together. If you were absent, then negative stories about you could do a lot of damage. But you are not absent. You are involved. So take the perspective that your ex-wife cannot hurt your relationship with your daughter (in the long run), if you are present and involved with your daughter.

It is too easy to feel like you are helpless in the situation. You are not helpless. And you are not the victim. There doesn’t have to be any victims. You daughter will adjust. But it will take time. You had the luxury of time to get used to the idea of making the break. She did not. You had your ‘angry’ time, your ‘hurt’ time and your ‘accepting’ time. You are ready to move on. Pave a new course…one that includes your daughter.

But your daughter had none of that. Now is her time to be Angry, Frustrated, Hurt, Doubtful, Insecure, Unaccepting! But mostly….Angry. So let her be angry. It’s not all about you. It is normal and important that she experiences all these emotions. Don’t take it personally. Expect it! It’s healthy and normal for her to be angry. Love her through it. Take the big perspective and validate her feelings. She is only 10. She won’t know the name of the feelings sometimes. Think of her feelings as a big knotted up ball of yarn. It is going to take some time for her to sort through it all.

3. Act….Don’t REact! This is an important one. Remember it is normal for your daughter to be upset. She is going to be testing you out…to see if you do still love her. She may be so angry that she may do and say things just to make you feel bad because she may feel that your actions make her feel bad. But the truth is that whatever she does, she doesn’t really ‘think’ it out and ‘decide’ it. She is just that big ball of emotions and she just does things out of her emotions. If you are busy ‘reacting’ to everything, and thinking it’s all a sign that the relationship is damaged and might not recover, then the messages you will be sending her will be those of defensiveness and frustration of your own. You know that when you defend yourself you usually sound more guilty. Also, it indicates to the other person that you are somehow dependent on their opinion of you.

You need to be able to rise above your need to see the love and adoration in your daughter’s eyes for a while. Your emotional security doesn’t need to depend on her impression of you. When she is rude, dismissive, uncommunicative….all the different times you feel the relationship is damaged, these are the times when you have the golden opportunity to reassure your daughter of your love for her. These are the times when she needs your emotional security to be intact, because hers isn’t.

ACT means ‘come from a place of love and understanding’ and don’t come from a place of ‘how can I make her love me’.
Love her. Let her know you are the same guy you always were. Be dependable and unchanged when it comes to your dealings with her. If she rejects you….expect it.

If you ask her about her feelings, she may find that confronting. But be the adult. Say things like: ‘Ok, I know you must feel angry and frustrated. I would too. How can I help? What do you need? What do you want? Is there anything I can do?

You have to be able to weather the storm though.

4. Take the long view. This means hold all those perspectives for as long as it takes. In many ways, you have begun a new path in your life and your daughter is standing in the old path not wanting things to change but not able to prevent them from changing. So keep extending your hand. Continue to have the open arms. Get the BIG PICTURE. Hold that picture in your mind all the time. The big picture is that your daughter will turn 11, 12. 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 and she will become an adult one day. Everything you do today, and every day will become a memory or history. Remember, you have your lifetime to prove yourself to be the loving, warm dad she always had. Just be that dad every day. She deeply wants to be close to you, trust me. If you can take the big picture then every little slight will not seem so big. You guys are on a journey.

5. Accept that things will never be exactly the same. But YOU and your ex-wife did that. Not your daughter. Accept it. You are on a new path. You can’t be on a new path and the old path at the same time. So create ‘new path experiences’ for you and your daughter and anyone else who is on that path with you (meaning your daughter and your girlfriend). The more things you do together that closely resemble things you did with your wife and daughter as family, the more difficult it is for your daughter. Of course, there will always be lots of those things, like meals, Christmas, Birthdays, shopping. But try to infuse new and different things so your daughter can see how her life is somehow ‘better’ too because of the split. Make it difficult for her to compare the two paths. The new path for you is new and exciting. Well, how can it become exciting for her as well? Don’t shop in the same places, do all the same things. Think ‘new path’!

I hope these suggestions help. Be patient with yourself and with her. She is behaving normally and you wouldn’t want her to be any other way.

Warmest Wishes,
Vicki Jardine

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