In reading your comment a couple of different things went through my mind.

Firstly yes….your move to the UK has most likely got a lot to do with the behaviours you are seeing in your daughter.

Secondly yes….it can be normal for a 10 year old to display openly defiant behaviours (especially if there has been a major life event that has occurred).

And thirdly, I think you have hit the nail on the head by recognizing that your daughter’s behaviours are related in some way to ‘attention’.

It is important, however that you and your wife don’t begin to ‘overcompensate’ for having made the move to another country.

The fact that she is from all accounts good at school is very ‘telling’ actually. What it says is that she gets the result she wants when she is good at school. She most likely gets attention for having a ‘cute accent’, for being ‘from’ Australia…people think of Australia as somewhat exotic and tropical. She will be praised for being smart and doing well and she will be held in high regard by teachers and students if she behaves a certain way.

Remember, humans do not do things for which there is no ‘pay-off’. We all only do things when we see that there is value or worth in it.

Your daughter has clearly learned that at home, the pay-off exists in creating turmoil or being defiant. Honestly, if it weren’t so, she would not do it.

So we have to ask ourselves the question: What is her pay-off?

Now you have mentioned ‘attention’. So if it is the case that she does things to get your attention, then the solution lies in you and your wife deciding which things will result in your attention and which things will not.

Naturally a big change like the one you have all gone through in the last 18 months creates new situations and dynamics which would otherwise have not necessarily been an issue.

Subconsciously, your little girl may be angry at you as well for taking her away from everything familiar….but more than that, she may actually be feeling insecure. Perhaps the changes have been hard on one or both of you and perhaps she feels unsettled.

And even if this is true to some extent, it will not be the main issue to your child. The main issue to children is the security and place of importance they feel their parents have for them. So wherever you are in the world, for however long, your child really only cares that they are number one to you….all else comes after that.

I would say that it is possible that one or both parents have felt like they need to make it up to her for leaving Australia and that she has begun to take that view too.

Here’s what I suggest:
- Do not feel guilty about your move. It is done and you had your reasons. Let her see that you both feel there is more good than bad come out of it and spend real time celebrating those good things. Make those things the focus of your conversation and never refer to the negatives of the move in her presence. She needs to see your confidence in this decision and maybe even needs your help to identify what’s so great about it all.

- Your daughter reacts by seeking attention from you….so GIVE IT TO HER…on your terms. Make a point of NOT giving it to her for negative behaviors. If ‘getting attention’ is her pay-off, then only give her attention when she is behaving nicely, or being co-operative, pleasant and obedient. Keep the big picture.

- Give choices with consequences, rather than requests and punishments. When you say ‘she seems to respond to requests just to cause an issue’, I would like to suggest that you do not make requests. Instead, give her some choices. One choice is to do what you want her to do….and this choice is to be clearly and verbally linked to a positive outcome/consequence that you know she will want to choose. The other choice is to do whatever it is she thinks she wants to do…but this choice is clearly linked to an outcome she will not want and a consequence she is unlikely to choose. She needs to see that you respect her right to choose, that her actions lead to consequences and that she is in control of her own destiny, but of course it is within your parameters.

If you would like some more help with more specific situations feel free to go over to http://highlysuccessfulkids.com where there is a lot of free information for parents. Or alternatively, you can book a coaching session to positively turn things around for your little girl.

Warmest Wishes
Vicki Jardine

Any tips ?