As your daughter reaches school age and on into elementary school and so on, she will have to conform to the authority of others. She will face many situations in which the answer is ‘no’ and she will have to accept that if she ignores a No and does something anyway, there will most certainly be ‘consequences’. This is true for many situation in life. So you are quite right to be addressing this tendancy right now.

Let’s look at the world through your daughter’s eyes. She knows what she wants. She will ask for it over and over. despite receiving a ‘no’ answer, so she has some determination. These two qualities are excellent qualities to possess by the way. All real leaders have these two qualities.

She has tenacity and will even resort to being sneaky. This means she doesn’t give up when she runs into obstacles. So while tenacity is good, your daughter is only three and a half and doesn’t know how to make decisions that are good for her. She doesn’t know this. She doesn’t know that your ‘yes’ and your ‘no’ are all for her well-being. She looks at the world as though it is just a matter of ‘getting what you want’.

Even explaining this to a child so young, well it’s not a waste of time entirely as it is all part of setting the atmosphere, climate and communication that you will want to develop within your home, however, don’t expect her maturity level to really comprehend adult reasons for doing things.

In fact, you really do not want to set in motion a process whereby you, the adults, have to negotiate every decision you make, with a young child.

Another opinion that your child most certainly holds is that she cannot be happy without having the particular thing she has decided she wants right now. This is an important point to consider. So many adults are victims of this and they go through life wanting something, getting it, and then wanting something else. Their happiness is short-lived and they are always in a state of wanting something to have or to happen, so they can be happy. This is definitely not a quality to encourage within your daughter.

Here is the view of the world (or of course, you decide the view that you want her to have, this is just a suggestion/example) which you may like to help your daughter develop.

My mom and dad love me. They decide what I can and cannot do. I know I am wasting my time to argue with them. I know that once they say no, they mean it. I know that if I do it anyway, that there will be consequences. I know I can be happy even when I don’t have the exact thing I want. I know this because when I don’t get what I want, I can easily decide to want something that I can have. I feel secure knowing that my parents are in charge, even though I sometimes don’t understand their reasons for things.

Naturally your daughter will not consciously think these things. She will not put these words to her feelings, without your help.

Here’s some ideas of ways to help your daughter adjust her view of how things actually work.
- Give your daughter a choice to make. Let her know that she has the power to decide her own actions and you have the power to set the consequences for her decisions. Only ever give her the choice between two things, as she is so young. One choice will be the one she wants to have or do ….. but attached to this choice is a definite consequence that you know she will not want. This forces her to think, to feel her own destiny is in her own hands. Then the other choice is one that you know she will be happy with (if she gives it a try), but more importantly it carries with it a happy consequence that you know she will want to have or do. So now she is subject to your decision, but she has personal power to decide her fate. I know she is only three and a half, but here is an example of what I mean: Your daughter wants to go and play and you want her to eat her dinner. You can say, ‘You have a choice. You can have two more bites and then go and play….or…..you can decide not to have two more bites and stay at the table. You decide. Two bites and play…..or no bites and sit here? Repeat the choices. Keep it simple. She will eventually see that the only way to get something that she wants is to choose the action that leads to it.
- Praise her when she makes a ‘happy choice’. Tell her how proud you are of her ‘great decision’. Let her see that you admire her powers of deduction. Use words like ‘smart’, ‘sensible’, ‘good choice’ and most importantly start talking about ‘consequences of your decisions’. For example, ‘Wow, that was a great decision and now, because you made such a smart choice, you get to have the happy consequence. You can go and play now’.
- Refer to the ‘happy consequence’ and the ‘sad consequence’ regularly. Help her see that good choices lead to happy consequences and poor choices lead to sad consequences.
- If she sneaks and does something anyway, then let there be a consequence. Let her see that her decisions have the power to make her happy or sad. You are not subject to her decisions. Help her make the connection in her mind that when she ignores you and does something anyway, that in actual fact, it does not lead to happiness. She only does it because she knows what she wants….or thinks she knows what she wants. Help her to see that while she may want to have or do something very badly, and even though she will enjoy having it or doing it, she may not enjoy the consequence of making the decision to do it when you have said no.

It takes time to set processes in motion. Be patient and know that even if you make progress 10% of the time, the difference to your child’s life can last a lifetime.

I hope these ideas have helped. Please let me know if you have any other questions. I love helping parents to help their children.
Warmest Wishes
Vicki

The other issue we are currently working with is that when given a no, our daughter will decide she is going to do what she wants anyway, and will even be sneaky about it. I am would love to get some feedback, or even be navigated to an article you have already written, on how to manage this undesirable behavior and empower her to become a trustworthy person.

Thanks to all who take the time out to help a mom that needs some guidance!